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knew far too much about my relationship with her only son. Mr. Mouth himself couldn t even look his
mother in the eye. I definitely needed to get him back on the horse that night, or we would wind up
having to take old Mr. Davis up on that Viagra offer.
Adam s relatives seemed fascinated by the fact that he had a girlfriend, especially four-year-old
Josh, who announced that I was pretty and that he wanted to marry me. He also seemed very curious
about something, and he kept approaching and then running away. Eventually, he worked up the nerve
to raise the subject, as Adam and I sat chatting with his sisters in the dining room.
My mom says I can t take my dump trunk to bath time because there s no room, he informed me
in a contemplative tone.
Oh? Well, I m sure she s probably right, I answered, smiling up at Hannah.
So, how did you and Uncle Adam fit in the tub together at the same time? he asked. Adam
choked on the ginger ale he was sipping, and I saw the Roth girls exchange stunned, but highly
amused, looks.
Joshie! What are you saying? Hannah asked, sounding embarrassed, but obviously trying not to
laugh.
Bubbe called Uncle Adam last night on the speaker phone, and he said they were going to take a
bath together, and he was going to give her fominal sexing. What s fominal sexing Mommy?
Joshua, sweetie, Adam s mom appeared at the door with a maniacal-looking smile, we talked
about this. Uncle Adam was just joking, and your daddy will explain it when you re older.
What?! Hannah exclaimed, aghast.
I m sorry, Hannah. I won t use speaker phone anymore when Joshua is around, Mrs. Roth
replied apologetically.
What are you apologizing for? Sarah asked. Adam! Why would you say something like that to
your mother?
Let s go find Daddy, honey, Hannah said, hustling her son out of the room. Adam hid his face in
his hands and made a sound like a wounded buffalo. We were never going to have sex again. I just
knew it.
He didn t know it was me, Mrs. Roth went on in a sweet motherly voice.
Well, who in the hell did you think it was, Adam? Abby asked with a laugh.
Yeah, who would it have been appropriate to say that to? Sarah added.
Oh, what s the big deal? Mrs. Roth said, coming to her baby boy s defense. It s not like I didn t
know they were sleeping together. Maybe they ll get married! Have you gotten to hold the baby yet,
Lily? Sarah! Go get the baby! she ordered.
Maybe we should get Rabbi Stein in here too, Abby said, sounding like she was having a
wonderful time. I noted that Adam and Abby were very much alike, in looks and in personality.
You re coming for Thanksgiving, aren t you, Lily? Mrs. Roth asked.
Um, sure, I guess. Is that okay with you? I asked Adam. He looked up at me and was about to
answer, I think in the affirmative.
Of course it s okay with him, his mother answered firmly.
Did I hear someone call me? Rabbi Stein poked his head in.
We were just talking about Adam and Lily getting married, Mrs. Roth explained.
You re getting married? the rabbi asked cheerfully.
Uh & I stammered. Adam looked like he might have become catatonic.
Not yet, Mrs. Roth answered helpfully.
Ah, well you let me know when you need my services. He smiled and popped back out just as
Sarah was coming in with the baby.
She walked over and handed him to me. Adam snapped out of his trance and stared down at the
little bundle in my arms. I looked down and froze, afraid that if I moved I might break him. The baby,
not Adam.
Look, Adam! She s a natural! Mrs. Roth exclaimed happily. She had to be kidding.
Mr. Roth appeared at the door and informed his wife she was needed. She excused herself, but not
before managing to whip out her cell phone and take a picture of Adam and me staring down at a baby
like we were trying to figure out a map. Suddenly, the warm, tiny person in my arms turned his head
and nuzzled my boob.
Why s he doing that? I asked.
Because he s a guy, Adam muttered.
He s trying to nurse, Abby said with a laugh. It s instinctive.
Oh! Sorry, baby. The tap is dry, I said uncomfortably.
I just want you to know little dude, Adam said solemnly, that I had nothing to do with what s
going down tonight.
What s that smell? I asked, sniffing.
Diaper bag s right here, Sarah said, grabbing a tote off the floor and handing it to Adam. We ll
be in the other room, helping Rebekah get ready. With that, she and Abby quickly left.
Do you know how to change one of these? I asked Adam, anxiously.
Are you kidding? We have to find somebody else to do this.
Adam, between the two of us, we have fourteen years of higher education. How hard can it be?
I m not worried about how hard it is. I m worried about how disgusting it is.
Well, I m going to try. Better to practice on somebody else s kid first.
Before what? he asked, cautiously.
I was just joking. Suddenly, I felt very defensive.
You re sure your pill is working, right?
Yes! Don t worry, if I ever want to have a baby it doesn t have to be with you, I said, sensing
rejection and fighting back.
Well, who in hell would it be with? he asked, sounding irate.
I don t know. I don t have a crystal ball.
I ve got news for you, Lilith. If you re going to be bearing anyone s children, they ll be mine, he
said heatedly. Suddenly, the baby started crying.
Now look what you did, I chastised. You made him cry.
I didn t make him cry. A shitty diaper made him cry. Now you want to take this on, I ll take it on
with you. Bring him over here, Adam demanded, storming off with the diaper bag. I wondered
vaguely if he was only talking about a diaper.
I got up and followed him as carefully as I would if I were carrying a live bomb. Adam kneeled
down on the rug, opened the diaper bag, and looked at the contents like he was trying to figure out
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