[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
passionately fond of him. His caresses always caused some
erection. Personally, I believe it would have been wiser to have
obtained complete sexual expression. The absence of knowledge led
to two distinctly undesirable results. The first was marked
congestion and pain at times; the second was a tendency to a sort
of modified masochism. There is always, I suppose, some erotic
attraction about the buttocks, and of course also, to boys, they
afford an irresistibly attractive mark for a good smack. I found
that when this lad spanked me it produced some amount of sexual
excitement, and the desire for this form of stimulus grew upon
me. The result, in my case, was bad. It was sensualism, not love.
I can say this with confidence, because in a much later case of
deeply passionate love, I shrank from any such method, but the
mutual, naked embrace I found was for me an absolutely natural
and _pure_ expression of love. I never felt any touch of
grossness in it, and it destroyed the earlier and (for me at
least) less wholesome desire.
"The school friendship disappeared with the marriage of my
friend. I was furiously jealous, and the young man's mother was
opposed to me, but I still think of that early friendship with
tenderness. I know that my boy friend was the first who made me
capable of self-expression, the first who taught me how to make
friends at all. And if he still cared for me, I know that his
love would be dear to me still.
"My chief regret, as I look back, is that I did not know about
these things early. I cannot but think that all youngsters should
be spoken to about the love of comrades and encouraged to seek
help in any sort of trouble that this may bring. We homogenic
folk may be but a small percentage of mankind, but our numbers
are still great, and surely the making or marring of our lives
should count for something. At college I fell violently in love
with a friend with whom I did work in science. He loved me too,
though not with such heat. He also was largely uranian, but this
I only realized a year or two back. He remains unmarried, and is
still my friend. We did some research work together which is
pretty well known. I am quite sure that the love we had for each
other gave tremendous zest to our work and greatly increased our
powers.
"While I was working at college I was interested in a lad who was
working as errand boy for a city firm. I helped him to get better
training, and spent money on him. My father was making me some
allowance at the time and demurred. I said I would in future
support myself, and in this way came to take up schoolmastering.
I at once became quite absorbed in my work with the boys. Of
course I loved them. And here I feel I must touch upon what seems
to me a characteristic of most of us uranians. Our genital organs
are with us ordinarily and usually organs of _expression_. The
clean-minded heterogenic man is apt to look upon such a view of
the genital organs as monstrous; we, on the other hand, are
compelled (at least for ourselves) to regard it as the natural
and pure one. For my own part I had many Puritan
prejudices--prejudices that I retained for many a long and weary
day--but my affection for those of my own sex so often expressed
itself by some sexual stirring, and more or less erection, that I
was _obliged_ to look upon this as inevitable, and in general I
paid no attention to it whatever. It was the older boys' who
sometimes attracted me strongly. My love for them was I know a
genuinely spiritual thing, though inevitably having some physical
expression. I was capable of great devotion to them and sacrifice
for them, and I would certainly rather have died than have
injured them. The boys got on well with me. I was never weak with
them, and I was able to allow all kinds of familiarities without
any loss of respect. The older boys usually, out of class, called
me by my Christian name, and I remember one writing to ask me
whether he might do so, as it made him feel 'nearer' to me. A few
of the lads I of course loved with special devotion. They kissed
me and loved to have me embrace them. One of these was, I now
know, pure uranian, and there was in his case certainly some
sexual response, but though I often slept with him, when he was a
lad of 17 and 18, there was never any idea in our minds of any
sexual act. We are still warm friends, and always kiss when we
meet. Looking back upon those days, I feel that I was a little
inclined to pass on from one love to another, but each was a
genuine devotion, and involved real hard work on the lad's
behalf. And I know that where the lad stuck to me into manhood a
real tenderness and love remain still.
"While teaching I made the acquaintance of a non-conformist
minister, who, though happily married, had certainly some
homogenic tendencies. He was most devoted to boys and helped me
with regard to some difficult cases. It was the difficult cases
that always attracted me. I had to punish these lads and my
friend recommended spanking with the hand on the bare buttocks. I
mention that I adopted this method, because it might have been
thought specially dangerous to me. It certainly never produced in
me the remotest suggestion of any sexual act, though it did
sometimes produce a slight amount of sexual excitement. I
disregarded this, or put it out of my mind, as I found the method
most efficacious. It was capable of great variation of intensity,
and the boys were always ready to joke about it. I never came
across a case where any sexual excitement was produced by it. The
boys whom I had to be most 'down' on almost always, however, grew
fonder of me. There may be a slight and normal masochistic
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
