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Musashi s daily letters from home while he was in the States, Musashi s joyous expression when
he d come home for a visit& There couldn t possibly be enough time to remember every single
one. Musashi had been the person who had persuaded his parents to let Toshi have his time in the
States. They would never have allowed that of their own accord.
His heart squeezed. Tears came. Now he let them fall, since no one else was around.
Because of his uncle, he d learned what loyalty and kindness really meant. There was no doubt in
his mind that it was because of Musashi that he d been drawn to John. From the first moment he
and John had met in the airport, Toshi had felt the attraction. John had that same gentle yet strong
way about him as Musashi. Both were sensitive men who d been to war and suffered trauma
because of it.
Sadness engulfed him again. The resemblance, however, ended there. As he d just learned, even
Musashi had had his secrets. The one person he d thought wasn t a mystery to him, now was. John,
on the other hand, unlike anyone whom Toshi had ever known: lover, family, colleague, whatever,
was& well& knowable. He openly spoke his thoughts and feelings. That quality in itself had
brought light into a world, which, for Toshi, had been largely dark.
If he d thought his attraction to John had only been because John was physically delicious, it
wasn t. Yes, John was gorgeous, but he d been with other incredibly handsome guys, men who
made his knees go weak just looking at them. He hadn t fallen in love with any of them. Not even
Michael& not like this.
Toshi s chest tightened. He ached to have John sitting next to him right now. Just to reach out and
feel his lover s hand&
He sighed, suddenly itching for a cigarette. He was trying to cut back, but moments like these
really touched off the craving. Had Natsuka been sitting here, a pack would have already been
outstretched in front of him. The thought pulled a smile from him.
Of course, it would be disrespectful as hell to light up here in the funeral home, even though Toshi
knew in his heart of hearts that Musashi wouldn t have cared.
***
Toshi sat quietly for several hours, until well after sunset. He rose and went to Musashi s coffin.
Good bye, Uncle, he murmured. He reached out and touched Musashi s hand briefly. The dead
man s skin was cool against his fingertips.
He closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them and looked at the still face, its eyes closed, he felt
the absence of Musashi s spirit from the shell left behind. He glanced into the coffin, at the letters
and clothing and suddenly understood the custom in a new way. Rituals for the ones left behind, to
make them feel as if the spirit were still there somehow.
Hot tears stung his eyes again. Saying good-bye didn t mean you stopped missing the person.
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Beautiful Samurai, White Tiger
He stood a moment longer, long enough for his glance to fall on the pile of love letters. His fingers
curled over the edge of the coffin as he fought back another wave of temptation. No. He yanked his
hand back and forced himself to turn and walk from the room. Time to go back to John. The desire
to be in his lover s arms gripped him with the power of a steel vise.
Toshi caught a cab back home to Ryogoku. As soon as he d paid the driver, he bounded up the
stairs to his apartment rather than wait for the elevator. He unlocked the door and kicked off his
shoes, leaving them next to John s. John, I m back.
Silence.
John?
More silence.
A familiar chill coursed up Toshi s spine. Like John s first night in the apartment, when a vision
had caused him to faint in the shower. But Toshi didn t hear any running water.
A light was on in the living room so Toshi rushed down the short hallway in that direction.
Whipping around the corner, his blood froze.
John was at the table, slumped over, unconscious.
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Sedonia Guillone
CHAPTER FOUR
John! Toshi rushed over, grasped John s arms and lifted him to an upright position.
John. blinked several times and rubbed a hand over his face. But when he looked up at Toshi, he
smiled. Hey.
John, what happened? Toshi knelt by him, still gripping his lover s shoulders.
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